dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
