Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
