I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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