Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Floor bacon is actually really good
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
