U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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