the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
