Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
sarcasm needs its own font
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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