Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
50% drunk capacity currently
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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