I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
