he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
