i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
