I'm going to jail i love you
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Randomize
