Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
