he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
