I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
