When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
