im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That's how pantless uber rides happen
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
