Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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