Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
