Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
