Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
