i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
