so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
