I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
