i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
