That's intense
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
