Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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