I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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