i was born a porn star she said
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
