I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
