I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
