just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
