If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
