We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
