the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
