somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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