my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
