oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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