Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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