I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize