Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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