had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
