You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
