Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
