Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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