You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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