just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize