when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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