I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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