dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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