it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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