so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
