You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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