The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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