so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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