Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
