There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Randomize
