I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she told me i tasted like america
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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