ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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