I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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