Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
